wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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