I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
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