i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Randomize
