just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize