new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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