I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
