a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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