hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
