Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I love you. Go after that dick
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
