Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
