Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Randomize
