the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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