I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
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He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
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You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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