i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
