Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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