I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
