I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
