fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
it hurts more in the daytime
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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