I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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