He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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