Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
