and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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