Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
