in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
