Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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