My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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