This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
