my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
