I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
So many bounce houses so little time
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
