I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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