I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
