Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
