you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
