Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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