Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
