Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
