i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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