When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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