She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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