pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
