Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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