Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
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I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
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Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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