Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
