God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
