First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
