Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
