some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
