You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
