It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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