You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
