so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
