i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
