Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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