U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
