in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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