He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
