My cat gives me a boner
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
