Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
this just has baby written all over it
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
